I know, I know this blog has been a slow start. I launched this website a couple month’s ago with absolutely no ideas about what it was going to be. This being my first blog post, I’d like to thank those of you who have supported me and hung in there while I was figuring it all out. I feel like I may have I launched this website in an unnecessary rush.
For this first post I wanted to talk about my experience this past summer - fall. The pause in life that came with stepping into my 20s and starting to make choices for myself without loosing my childhood in one fell swoop. A little bit about me; I’ve always fought growing up. It used to scare the hell out of me. I’ve made my peace with it for the most part, but I still have my moments. Focusing on each day and keeping inquiries about my future minimal; helps a lot.
These past four years have been a whirlwind of packing/unpacking, moving around, school & the all the emotions that you’ll find come with. Living in Europe with my family was an experience that I would not trade. Everything that came with it: the good, the bad and the ugly. I went from being homeschooled with a flexible schedule, to an international baccalaureate program that would probably be comparable to Rory Gilmore’s Chilton experience. The difference? I never had any plans for the Ivy League or University. The intensity of school was stressful yet rewarding. When breaks from school came, my family and I would travel. 5-7 trips a year, seeing and taking in everything we could, while we could. This aspect of living abroad gave me a craving to see more and see a lot, again. When we moved back to Arizona in August of 2017, I had three weeks until I was use due to be in Redding, California for my first year of BSSM (Bethel Supernatural School of Ministry). From one place to the next.
I got back home after First Year this past May and questioned my plans of going back. I was so happy at home. I realized that other than the Dance Certificate Program, I had my heart set on (and didn’t get accepted into) ; there was nothing for me there. I didn’t want to go back. There was a long list of details that would have needed to be worked out to get myself back there. A job, money for tuition, a car, learning how to drive a car (oh yeah, have I mentioned I have yet to learn? Pretty content with still not knowing. Even though at this point in my life I need to know. There goes reality again. Anyway back to the long list.) money, money and oh did I mention; money? I don’t want money to rule my decisions but I didn’t feel my heart was putting any value on going back.
Once I made the decision to stay, for the first time in 4 years, I was at a stand still. I didn’t know what was happening in any area of my life. I had a plan, and then suddenly I didn’t. After 3-4 years of moving around and being in school. I finally was able to stop and think. It was weird, nothing made sense.
Insert a poem I wrote right around that time, this will give insight into all the emotions spinning in my head.
In every area of my life, I feel stuck
Unsure of what to do or where to go
What do I want out of life?
So many directions to go.
So many places to visit.
So many emotions to feel.
I want to get away but I’m not sure what from.
I want to waste no time but in the midst of being unsure it’s wasted.
I want to share my heart with people but then again I want to stay inside my head where I’m always understood and things don’t get lost in translation.
I want to forget
It’s all I think about.
I want to stop being that dreamer that always hopes for the impossible
but my heart on my sleeve won’t let me
Because it’s in my blood to be that cockeyed optimist and that crazy dreamer I am.
Have you ever felt that? That weird headspace of wanting so much, but being unsure of what direction to get it all from? The things that test my sense of security seem to have me feeling the most fearful. I’ve learned that when I feel that way, I lean into it; instead of fighting it. Knowing safety is immanent. I’ll be ok.
Through that time of uncertainty I took one step at a time, as one does. I found a job babysitting/nannying in my neighborhood, which was a solution for the lack of car issue. Plus it’s a job I know well, I’ve worked with kids since I was 12. I love all the sweet, cute moments with the kiddos. It’s hard work that, most times, is fun and light. Finding that position, that felt so natural to me was like a sigh of relief. It felt like a check off the list. The unknown for the coming year was a little less unknown.
By the end of summer I still didn’t know what I wanted to study. I didn’t want to rush into a course that I was unsure about. I decided this year, I would skip school in order to travel (when I can), work on this blog + my beauty content on @getglowy and of course find what I wanted to study for the next four years. My mom had made the point that between Europe and BSSM, I didn’t get a chance to think about what I wanted. I hadn’t had a moment to consider my dreams. This year would set the stage for me to do that.
Another mystery was solved. After that, all the other uncertainties just, fell away. I’m so grateful, I’ve had a home and a family to abide in while I’ve been pondering my heart for what direction it’d like to go.
Now, I’m about half way through my gap year and I’m feeling good. I work when I can. Through my IG beauty page: @getglowy, exciting collaboration opportunities have come up with brands I admire. In addition this break has allowed me to travel to some fun destinations. A trip to Seoul, South Korea with my family this last October and my first solo international trip is in the works. I’m truly enjoying life right now. I’m working, creating, wandering and resting.
So what’s next? Inspiration & grace will come…
Welcome! This blog starts now.